It’s a part of me.
Though I don’t like to think it.
Would rather disassociate
The entire thing
From my entire being.

Would rather go on like nothing happened
Like it wasn’t happening all the time.
The events so small
They hardly effected me
In such small doses
The ones I forgot I took.

Yet when the big one happened
The small ones became much more
Vivid in my memory.

Music so loud
So no one else could hear
Knees that held my arms.
Words so close
They make my lips bleed.
Rage that no one could quell.

I guess I deserved a little
Of what I got.
A hurtful word here
A push there
It could have been divided amongst us equally.
But I got the punishment
For years of always getting what he wanted
And never what he needed.
For father not showing up for Christmas,
For mother giving toys instead of love.

When I broke
I broke it all.

I opened the door
And let him in
Expecting a friend
But a friend did not arrive that day
Instead a soldier armed with all the missiles he could carry.
A sad clown with a painted on red smile.

There is a darkness inside of me
That is not a hole.
And who would I be without it?
A little more naive?
I little less aware?
Still invincible
Super girl